Beyond boredom: What Doing Nothing taught me about Authenticity.

As 2025 descends, the gym, my WhatsApp, clients, social media, and of course my email subscriptions are filled with conversations and questions about goals, achievements, vision boards, intentions, etc. It is, of course, the proverbial New Year and with it, the flood of renewed energy and stress focused on "making the most" of our time.

Doing More, Being More, Learning More.

Sigh.

I don't make New Year resolutions on the 1st of January. Instead, I focus on a feeling I want to experience for the year ahead, and I do this on my birthday which happens to be the middle of the calendar year. This approach allows me to align my intentions with a more personal milestone which means I am more likely to follow through.

As I find myself firmly in the middle of my 40th year, I also embrace year two of exploring the depths of femininity and with that settled on embodying the essence of "Flow, not Force." This mantra serves as a guiding principle, encouraging me to navigate life with grace and ease rather than striving through sheer willpower.

In essence, my journey this year is about letting go of rigid expectations and embracing the beauty of spontaneity. With each passing day, I strive to find balance, to connect deeply with myself and others, and to celebrate the moments that bring joy and fulfillment. This year of "Flow, not Force" is not just a theme; it is an invitation to live authentically and wholeheartedly.

You see, my life until 3 years ago was filled with the Doing, Doing Doing. The hamster wheel of work. Being born to a family who taught me the value of work, ethics, responsibility, perfectionism and how to be the proverbial good girl meant that my life was designed to meet the needs of others rather than myself. Creating the Martyr complex, heaps of resentment and deep seated anger that showed itself as anxiety.

Stepping out of my comfort zone and exploring avenues completely foreign to me took truckloads of courage. The biggest of which, came as a massive surprise. Doing Nothing.

What I mean is...

I left my home country

Left my husband - of 18 years (he was all I knew)

Left my corporate career

Left the life I knew behind. Utterly and completely, and with it my identity and YET, the most difficult part of the transformation was leaving behind the busyness that had become a comforting blanket with which to numb myself.

I think you know what I am talking about. The inability to sit in the quiet, without distractions and simply be. No music, No TV, definitely no phone. No Computer, No people. Nothing. Interestingly the challenge arrived in the middle of a course on the Art of Submission.

Believing that my anxiety originated from a disconnect between my true self and the life I had constructed, I sought answers beyond my existing knowledge and experiences.

In an effort to discover who I am, understand the roots of my anxiety, and consider what I might have done differently in my relationship and for myself, I delved into the world of relational psychology, touching on the topics of power dynamics, masculine and feminine archetypes, and somatic practices. The path intersected in the realm of BDSM. I took numerous quizzes, read extensively, attended workshops, enrolled in courses, and joined supportive communities trying to uncover the answers to the questions: What side did I align more with, was I more of a Dominant or a submissive? And how would it feel to explore the opposite of my natural inclination?

Turned out, like with many of my other personality tests etc, that I lie quite close to the middle. Not being dramatically moved to one side or the other, but with a slight lean towards a dominant personality. With a strong desire to explore the "Radical Other". This meant embodying the character of submission. This filled me with curiosity but also more than just a little dread.

Initially my lack of understanding and being part of a lineage of extremely strong and traditionally feminist woman, the idea of "submitting" was appalling.

I approached the topic from an anthropological stance and attempted to uncover the philosophical view of submission. I needed to understand the traits that are often associated with this complex concept.

Submission, in this context, is not merely a passive act or a sign of weakness; rather, it encompasses a rich tapestry of behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs that can be deeply intertwined with cultural, social, and individual identities.

There are several traits that intersect with those typically regarded as embodying feminine energy, which is crucial to note as it should not be confused with traditional gender dynamics that often dictate rigid roles. Feminine energy, in this broader sense, refers to qualities such as receptivity, intuition, nurturing, and emotional expressiveness.

Receptivity and intuition being the two aspects that felt most unfamiliar to me. In order to cultivate these skills I needed to make space psychologically. The idea of someone giving me anything was HIGHLY uncomfortable. In addition, I couldn't feel myself, which is a component of intuition. My inner voice was completely drowned out by the cacophony of peoples opinions. No fault of theirs really...I kept looking outwardly for the answers that I would only find inside myself.

However, when examined from an anthropological perspective, it becomes clear that conscious submission is also be an expression of trust and vulnerability, fostering deeper connection with oneself and also between individuals. This trust is often rooted in the understanding that true strength can lie in the ability to yield, to listen, and to create space for you and for others.

Moreover, the interplay between submission and feminine energy invites a re-evaluation of power dynamics in interpersonal relationships. It challenges the conventional narratives that often portray dominance as the only form of strength. Instead, it opens up a dialogue about the ways in which submission can be empowering, allowing individuals to embrace their authentic selves and cultivate meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.

In conclusion, examining submission through an anthropological lens, while also considering the philosophical implications of feminine energy, led me to a more nuanced understanding of human behavior and relationships. It encouraged me to explore the depths of connection and to recognize the inherent value in both submission and strength, ultimately enriching my comprehension of the intricate dynamics that shape our lives.

Moreover the ability to flow between the two states of the Circle and the Line and being able to employ these energies at will depending on what is most needed in the moment is what I believe agility is.

To recap:

Submission and Doing Nothing

Submission, in its most profound sense, is an act of surrendering control and yielding to what is present. Similarly, doing nothing is not about passivity or inaction, but a conscious willingness to stop striving and allow what is to emerge.

Both practices teach us to:

• Relinquish resistance: Submission invites us to let go of the ego's need for control, mirroring the practice of non-doing as a way to transcend discomfort and access deeper truths.

• Discover inner potential: In both submission and stillness, we stop imposing our will and instead open ourselves to the flow of creativity, intuition, and insight.

• Cultivate trust: Both require a trust in the unfolding process, whether that’s the flow of life, the dynamics of a relationship, or the inner workings of our mind.

  
  

Marc Gafni's Circles and Lines of the Masculine and Feminine

Marc Gafni describes the masculine as the line (focused, direct, goal-oriented energy) and the feminine as the circle (inclusive, relational, and process-oriented energy).

Doing nothing and submission can be understood through this framework as balancing these polarities:

• Doing Nothing as Feminine Circle Energy:The practice of stillness aligns with the feminine’s circular energy, where the emphasis is on being present, experiencing the fullness of the moment, and valuing process over outcome. In this space, we step out of linear achievement (the line) and enter a more relational, integrative state.

  
  

• Integration of the Masculine and Feminine:True submission is not weakness but a dynamic interplay between the line and the circle. It requires the masculine strength to hold space for the discomfort of stillness (discipline, structure) while also embodying the feminine surrender to the flow of what arises.

  
  

Transformative Power in Both Practices

Agility is being able to move between the circle and the line.

The moment you can find comfort in the nothingness, in the relinquishing of control, in just being as well as the doing and can move easily between the two states the inner pressure and tension is released.

• Embracing Boredom as a Portal: Both practices teach us to lean into the discomfort of non-action, revealing a deeper wellspring of creativity and connection.

  
  

• Balancing Polarities: Whether in relationships, creativity, or personal growth, practicing doing nothing and submission integrates the masculine and feminine energies within us, creating harmony and wholeness.

  
  

• Presence and Connection: Both practices cultivate presence—not being driven by external pressures (masculine) or losing oneself in chaos (feminine)—but finding the still center where the two energies meet.

The journey begins with your willingness to surrender—are you ready?

Doing it Alone:

Start today by carving out just 10 minutes to sit in stillness. Resist the urge to fill the silence, and instead, lean into the discomfort.

Notice what arises when you let go of control and simply be. Share your experience with me and take the first step toward cultivating creativity, balance, and deeper self-connection.

Doing it with a Partner

This can be difficult for anyone who is normally in charge. The most important component of this practice, is to understand that it takes practice. Allow your self compassion in the moment. Short bursts at first and gradually build up to longer periods of time.

Select a partner to hold you accountable during this time and to take away your control allows the mind to let go.

Ask your partner - someone you trust - to sit with you in a quite room. I like to have my partner hold me in bed, in the dark for 5 minutes. This ensures that I am not reaching for my phone, the remote or trying to tick one more thing off my to do list. Bonus- the cuddling generates oxytocin.

Timing the session also tricks the brain into relaxing into the moment knowing that it will end eventually.

Being with someone helps to regulate your nervous system. You might think this is easy, but often the brain feels agitated and a lot of things can come up. Having someone with you, can reduce the feelings of anxiety or nervousness.

Doing it with a Coach:

Experience the profound power of surrender and stillness with my 1on1 guided journey, "The Art of Doing Nothing." In this unique session, you'll explore how letting go can unlock creativity, presence, and inner harmony. We’ll navigate the discomfort of non-doing and discover its transformative potential. Reconnect with yourself and embrace the beauty of being.